Few things tug at a parent’s heart like a tearful goodbye at the nursery door. If your little one clings to you, cries or protests when you leave, you’re far from alone, and it doesn’t mean anything is wrong. Separation anxiety is a normal, healthy part of growing up.
In this article, we explain what separation anxiety is, when it tends to happen and what’s typical. We also share how our team at Kiddiwinks supports children through it, and what you can do at home to make goodbyes a little easier.
What is separation anxiety?
Separation anxiety is the distress a young child feels when they’re apart from their main carers. It’s actually a sign of healthy development. It shows your child has formed a strong, secure bond with you and is beginning to understand that you’re a separate person who can go away.
When does it happen?
Every child is different, but there’s a typical pattern:
- Around 6 to 8 months: babies start to recognise familiar faces and may become wary of strangers.
- Around 10 to 18 months: separation anxiety often peaks. Children understand you’ve gone but can’t yet be sure you’ll come back.
- Around 2 to 3 years: most children grow more confident. They may still have wobbles at times of change, such as starting nursery, moving rooms, a new sibling or after an illness or holiday.
What’s normal?
It’s completely normal for a child to:
- cry, cling or protest at drop-off
- settle within a few minutes of you leaving
- have good days and harder days, especially on Mondays or after time off
- seem fine for weeks, then suddenly struggle again
- be upset at drop-off but happy and engaged once they’re playing
Many parents are surprised to learn that the child who sobbed at the door was laughing with friends five minutes later.
How we help at Kiddiwinks
- A dedicated key person. Every child has a key person who gets to know them, and you, really well. They learn your child’s likes, comfort cues and routines, and become a familiar, trusted face at drop-off.
- Gentle settling-in sessions. Before your child starts, we arrange settling-in visits that build up gradually. Short sessions with you nearby give way to longer stays on their own, at a pace that suits your child.
- Getting to know your family. We ask about your child’s routines, favourite toys, songs and comforters, and how you soothe them at home. That way, we can offer the same reassurance.
- Comforters welcome. A favourite teddy, blanket or family photo can be a powerful link to home, and children are welcome to bring them.
- Warm, consistent goodbyes. Your key person will greet your child at the door and help with the handover. Once you’ve gone, we’ll gently distract them with an activity they love.
- Keeping you updated. We know it’s hard to walk away from a crying child. We’re always happy for you to call and check how they’re doing, and we’ll let you know once they’ve settled.
How you can help
At home
- Talk about nursery positively. Mention the friends, toys and activities your child will enjoy, and read picture books about starting nursery.
- Practise short separations. Leaving your child with a grandparent or friend for short spells helps them learn that you always come back.
- Keep routines steady. Good sleep and predictable mornings make a big difference to how children cope.
At drop-off
- Keep goodbyes short and sweet. A cuddle, a cheerful “see you later” and a confident exit work better than a long, drawn-out farewell.
- Always say goodbye. Slipping away unseen can make children more anxious next time, because they’re never sure when you might disappear.
- Create a goodbye ritual. A special wave at the window, a high five or a kiss on the hand gives your child something familiar to hold on to.
- Stay calm and confident. Children pick up on our feelings. If you seem relaxed and sure they’ll be fine, it helps them feel safe too.
- Tell them when you’ll be back. Link it to something they understand, such as “after lunch” or “after story time”, and be on time.
When to seek extra support
Most separation anxiety eases with time, patience and consistency. It may be worth talking to your child’s key person, your health visitor or your GP if your child:
- is still very distressed for long periods after several weeks of settling
- doesn’t settle at all during the day, or stops eating, sleeping or playing
- shows intense anxiety that’s getting worse rather than better as they grow older
- has sudden changes in behaviour that worry you
We’ll always work in partnership with you. If we notice anything that concerns us, we’ll talk it through with you openly.
Frequently asked questions
How long does it take for a child to settle at nursery? It varies. Some children settle within days, while others take several weeks. Gradual settling-in sessions, a consistent key person and regular attendance all help.
My child settled well, so why are they suddenly upset again? This is very common. Regression often happens after holidays, illness, a room move, a new sibling or a developmental leap. It’s usually temporary and passes with reassurance and routine.
Is it better to sneak away so they don’t see me leave? No. Although it can seem kinder in the moment, slipping away can make children more anxious and clingy. A short, confident goodbye builds trust that you’ll always come back.
Should I stay longer at drop-off to help them settle? A long goodbye usually makes things harder. During settling-in, we’ll guide you on how long to stay. Once your child has started, a quick, warm handover to their key person tends to work best.
Will my child think I’m not coming back? Young children learn through repetition. Each time you leave and return as promised, they build confidence that you’ll come back. Over time, goodbyes get easier.
Can my child bring a comforter to nursery? Yes. A favourite toy, blanket or family photo can be very reassuring. We’ll keep it safe and make sure it’s there when they need it.
Can I call to check how my child is doing? Of course. Please call us whenever you need to. We’ll happily let you know how your child is getting on.
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About the author
Claire Fox-Tristram is the Director of Kiddiwinks Day Nursery and has more than 25 years of experience in the early years sector. Throughout her career, she has supported hundreds of families through every stage of their child’s early years, from settling in as babies to getting ready for school. Claire is passionate about giving every child a happy, nurturing start and helping parents feel confident and well informed.
